No man is an island

In a past life I used to work for a Children's Centre and we ran a number of play groups for parents and their children. I say parents.  I mean mums. The vast majority of adults that attended these groups were of the female persuasion.

I always stood out.  It took me a long time to feel comfortable walking in, and I was a worker. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for those dads who also had to contend with feeling like they were being watched and judged. I don't think they were, but I can imagine that is how they felt.

Now as a parent I have been into those groups but that is as a parent who is used to being in those environments.  What I have enjoyed the most, though, is the monthly group just for dads and their children that I attend.

Once a month a group of us gather in a church hall to have tea, a bacon bap and a catch up.It is the best Saturday of my month and everyone is a winner! My wife gets a break (brownie points in the bank), our kids get to have a play and we get to be dads en masse.

Groups like this, in my opinion, are vital. As a society traditional roles and support networks have eroded which has left some isolated and unsure of what to do. Groups such as this offer a place to belong, to talk and to share the common experience of fatherhood. The problem is that they are few and far between.

There are only a handful of organisations (Dangerous Dads, Who Let The Dads Out?) that deal with dads specifically. Most children's centres have stopped their dads groups and only run universal services but despite the workers' intentions these are rarely easy for dads to get to, particularly if they are working dads.

If you are able to get to one - go along. If not - get in touch with a local venue and set one up. Grab some mates with kids, and just start something. It will probably grow and it may become a major source of support for someone else who might be struggling. Membership of a group is so important, for both physical and mental health. When you become a parent it is sometimes hard to maintain the membership of pre-child groups so look for ways to engage in new groups.

Those monthly Saturdays are one way that I do it and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Second child syndrome

In the past week Toby has eaten pizza, oven chips and cake.  A couple of weeks ago he had custard.  A little time before that he had a jar of baby food despite us never having given Henry anything (until completely weaned) that we had not prepared ourselves from scratch.

My mother-in-law told me often when we were controlling what Henry ate "it's so much harder with the next one, they see what their older sibling is eating and they want it".

Oooo...it pisses me off when she is right.

Toby will now sit in his highchair like some toothless despot screaming at us if we have the temerity to have something on our plate that he does not also have smeared across his tray.  Tonight's source of fury?

Some lettuce.  Lettuce!

So I tore a leaf off and threw it at him.  Perhaps with more force than was strictly necessary but luckily it was only lettuce.  Good job I wasn't eating a baked potato.  Or a pie.  Or the plate.

Once dinner was finished, and we had completed the ritual of letting him mash whatever is in his bowl into a pulp, then spoon whatever we can scrape from between his fingers/down the side of his chair/off the carpet into his mouth because he has now realised he is hungry and cannot actually feed himself, I had some cake.

ROAR!

(which I believe is baby-speak for "excuse me, father, would you be so kind as to share a morsel of that simply delicious looking baked delicacy that you appear to be consuming with some gusto?")

It was some homemade banana and chocolate loaf that had been made by Em.  Henry did not have chocolate until his first birthday.  So I picked out all the visible chunks of chocolate and lobbed a mouthful of cake at him.  Again, perhaps with a little more enthusiasm that many would have deemed necessary but I was enjoying it and had been looking forward to finishing it!

There really is a difference in what becomes acceptable for the second child.  Toby has been exposed to television (we didn't even own one until Henry was two), to some questionable dietary choices (I still feel a bit guilty about the pizza), to hand-me-downs, to Henry (a thoroughly adoring but somewhat exuberant big brother) and to loud music (he now regularly falls asleep in the middle of our bed to whichever awful pop-playlist Em is tidying up to).

I do wonder if we are going to make it until May before we sell our souls completely and stick him in a chocolate fountain.  And whether or not I should just stick some whisky in his beaker and get a good night's sleep.

A Christmas tail

I came to the realisation this year that I think the Christmas tail was now wagging the dog.  I no longer feel in control of Christmas.  Budgeting is a dim and distant memory; not it is an orgy of excess and some 'responsibility-driven' purchasing.

"Oh we must buy for Aunt Fanny because she will get something for us."

No, no, no, NO!!!

This has to stop and I have made it my resolution this year to not be controlled by the feeling that we need to buy for others.

We have a set of friends that we have an annual Christmas tradition of going on one of the steam trains to see Father Christmas.  I would much rather have an agreement with my friends to do no presents, but instead to create a memory, have an experience.

I have begun to talk about this with some of our friends and so far received universal agreement.  Children seem to get overwhelmed by all the presents they receive these days, and the day can become about opening presents rather than the gift itself.  It takes a lot of work as a parent to restrain a child's exuberance and connect them with the fact somebody has taken the time to get them something.

Inevitably, and through nothing but the best of intentions from friends and family, you are left with a pile of gifts that are not wanted.  Appreciated but not wanted.  They might not fit, or might not last, or simply might not be to somebody's taste.  There is no criticism it is just the way of the world.  I do not want any of my friends to feel they have wasted their money, in the same way that I do not want them feeling like they have to make use of whatever it is we have got them or their children.

So next year I am hoping for a slimmed down Christmas.  It is a cliche but one that I think is particularly important to hold on to:

Rather than presents from people, I want their presence in creating memories together.

Henry will have fewer presents, but hopefully will be able to appreciate them more.  I certainly do not want his idea of Christmas to be one that is represented by a sea of presents.

Wish me luck.