Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Do my boobs look big in this?

Never have I been asked to examine my wife's breasts more.  Never has it been less sexy.

Gentlemen, you need to be aware of this.  The body of the mother of your baby is about to go through the most dramatic change it has experienced since puberty.  And if your partner is like mine, you will be exposed to a level of detail and inspection you thought only happened in a medical environment. Last night I was asked to review and comment on the new white skin on her nipples.

Some of these changes are amazing.  One friend of ours, who is now in on the news, told us that when he saw her, he thought her boobs had grown.  But unfortunately it is an aesthetic pleasure only, as this growth is accompanied by soreness and a declining libido.  I am reassured that this is only temporary, but if ever there was evidence that a supreme being had a quirky sense of humour, this time in our lives would be irrefutable.

We have also hit a nausea patch - not complete expulsion of stomach contents (yet?), but a relationship with food that is unusual to say the least.  My wife is now unable to cope with the smell of food, yet is hungry and nauseous simultaneously.  This means I will be preparing meals for the next eight months whilst she hides until it is on the table, then leaps out and attempts to shovel nutrition in before her olfactory senses cotton on to what is happening.  I then attempt to be supportive by not eating what she has left, in case she can stomach more later.  I am not sure if this is appreciated, or even noticed.

I think the payback for this period of her life will arrive when it is nappy changing time.  I have met very few men able to stomach the contents of their progeny's less-than solid offerings (see this for evidence: Dads and nappies).  Personally, it is an aspect of fatherhood I dread.  My dad was unable to remain in the room with me when it was time.

So for now I am going to be as supportive as possible, offering stomach strokes, back rubs and catering to every culinary whim that I am able to in the hope that I will collect enough brownie points that I can avoid nappy times altogether.  Failing that, I am going to start searching for a HazMat suit on eBay. 

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