Friday, 9 September 2011

Diets and detritus

We had our first midwife appointment this week.  This, unfortunately, was not quite exciting as I hoped.  Not entirely sure what I was expecting, but it consisted of:

1)  Paperwork - with some homework as each page needs a sticky label attached to it.  Somehow I feel we should have moved beyond this by now.
2)  My wife peeing in a pot.  Again.  Why does peeing into or onto things seem to be such a key part of the pregnancy process?  It is like doctors and evolution have conspired to take this beautiful, magical moment that arises from a sexual encounter and attempt to ensure it never happens again - sore boobs, spousal wind, peeing on anything that doesn't move and nausea.  I foolishly asked "why's that then?" when my wife was asked for a 'mid-stream' urine sample.  The simple answer was to wash out the (and I quote) "detritus" that might be in the initial drops.  That sound is another nail being banged into the coffin of our sex lives.
3)  And the latest fairground attraction - weigh the wife!

What happens next?  There is a blood test after ten weeks (we are now eight), the first scan at twelve, then a full anatomy scan at twenty.  I have come to a growing realisation that the first twelve weeks are a rather frustrating time.  All we have so far to confirm this miracle of developing life is two faint lines.  Everything else is side effects, and none reveal what is actually happening.  We're going to be a third of the way to bringing a child into the world before anyone in the medical professions actually confirms there is one there!

Things could be worse though.  Our midwife seems lovely, my wife's in-the-loop colleagues are being incredibly understanding and I haven't had to hold her hair back.  Yet.  Although any plans I have for healthy eating are out of the window.  She can stomach: sweets, McDonalds, potatoes, cheese, flavoured milk and crisps.  I have the breaking strain of a KitKat, so with those lying around salads are looking a lot less inviting.

Tips from me at this stage:
1)  Sort out some light exercise you can do together - you will need something to burn off the sweet-encrusted Big Macs.
2)  Go to bed early - there are a number of toilet trips that are likely to disturb the both of you.
3)  Cook things that you are going to want to eat - this might sound selfish, but if your wife is off her food, nothing you cook will be palatable and a good dinner will help you avoid the artery clogging foods your wife is enjoying.
4)  Invest in some good books - you will be spending a lot of time with a very tired wife curled up on you, needing strokes, and a good book can help the time pass enjoyably for the both of you.

I cannot wait for our first scan so we will have evidence to show people who exactly is making mummy so uncomfortable (and daddy fatter)!

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