Homework?!

Phew!  Got in less than a year since my last post!

Which is a real shame on Henry, as it has been an awesome few years but it is very difficult to prioritise this as four-year olds are exhausting.  Really exhausting.  Parenting is considerably harder work than I ever realised it would be.

The big recent change is my awesome boy has started school now.  All grown up!  We are very lucky and he skips happily into his class each morning without a backward glance, but does give his adult (whoever opens the door that morning) a big smile.  He has also come back with positive reports every evening so all in all we are delighted with him.

But here's the rub.

At the end of his first full week in school he has been set homework.  And something in me wants to scream and shout about this being ridiculous and a sign of how our education system has drifted from things that matter!  Four year olds should not be getting homework - they should be getting memories and play and attention, not phonics and writing.  It doesn't happen in [insert name of probably Scandinavian country] and the children there are happier than Charlie after he finds the golden ticket.

But before I do all that shouting I have taken a couple of breaths and attempted to think about this rationally.

He has not actually been asked to do anything that I would not want to be doing anyway.  A bit of practising his letters and some reading with a loose notion of him identifying any letter sounds that he knows.  Nothing too onerous and the kinds of things I'd want to do for him.

(A brief interlude - I am a huge fan of phonics.  All the reading research shows us this the best possible way to help children learn to read, provided it is offered within the context of adults continuing to read to children, develop their vocabulary and a high level of verbal interaction.  If those things are in place you cannot go wrong with phonics.  If they are not, there are probably bigger concerns)

So it got me to thinking about how fortunate Henry is in comparison to other kids.  A relatively stable home, with two parents who both work but are fortunate that one is only part time so he does not need to do breakfast or after school clubs.  A nice house in a nice area.  Plenty of food (perhaps too much for me). People who want to spend time with him and do not believe that much is learnt through computer games or television programmes.  So many children do not have this and I wonder if schools think that they need to compensate for this and do so by instructing parents how to provide an environment that supports their efforts.

Sadly, my visceral reaction to this would suggest that the approach is not necessarily the best one.  I think a number of teachers and schools could learn by adopting the policy of Brandy Young.  Homework has only been shown to support educational progress in a rather limited way, most of which is not supported by the kinds of homework that seem to get set.  Spending time together, sharing books, playing and getting to bed at a good time is all easier in a household that is not stressed from having to comply and feeling judged by your child's class teacher.

Unfortunately, for Henry I am British.  So I have grumbled to anybody who would listen about the pointlessness of the situation and then sat down with him and practised his writing after dinner and read his school book twice.  I don't want to be the parent that gets talked about in the staff room.

Happiness

Dear Henry,

You are a little young for this letter right now, but I hope in time it will become more meaningful to you.  I originally wrote a letter very similar to this one for Naomi's naming day as a present, but as I was writing it I realised how much I wanted you to understand the lessons within it.  

I hope that by the time you read this you understand a little more about your dad and what I do for a living.  I am a psychologist so I am interested, simply, in how people think and feel and behave.  I also believe these three things influence each other.  This is important and I will come back to it.

What I am not, is a particularly practical man - you will have realised this by now as every time something goes wrong we call Steve, Jamie or Granddad!  When Steve and Sarah asked for something personal for Naomi the best that I could come up with was ...happiness.

I need you to pay special attention now.  Are you listening?  Sitting comfortably?  No other distractions?  Good.  Then I will carry on.

Happiness is not something that just happens.  We are not passive recipients of some floating cloud that rains good emotion down upon us.  The Dalai Lama (very cool guy, look him up) has said that:

"Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions." 

We need to work at it and we need to use it.  If you do not it withers away and becomes harder to find.  If this happens you are less likely to feel good about life.  So my gift to Naomi, and now to you, is a collection of pointers on how you can ensure your own happiness as you grow and move through life.

I have another couple of important points that I need you to understand before I get to what I consider to be the practical bits.

Firstly, happiness is not about stuff.  It is not about possessions.  The positive emotion that can be found in things is, generally, fleeting and unsatisfying.  Secondly, happiness is made better by making other people happy.  If you do good, you will feel good.  This is something your parents do very well, although I am never entirely sure if they realise, or give themselves credit for, how good they are at it.  Watch them and learn from them.  Make people feel special and you become special and feel special.  Simple sounding, isn't it?

So this is what I would like you to do, to help you stay happy and healthy in life.

• Do things for people, connect with them, pay them attention.  If you value others, you will in turn be valued.  Remember how important people are and respect them for their own humanity, not because of what they can do for you. Something you can do for yourself is to...
• Exercise.  This may be a cliché, but it really is the most powerful way to feel good about yourself.  And while I am on the subject of feeling good about yourself...
• Accept who you are.  Do not chase others' ideas of who they think you should be.  It is your skin and you need to live in it, so accept it and be happy with it.  You will not be getting another one! So don't worry about it and...
• Try whenever possible to live in the moment.  Appreciate the things around you, the sounds, the sights, the smells, the touch, the taste.  Life is about experiences, a person is the sum of what they have seen and done, so appreciate them.  Strive to make those experiences positive and fulfilling.  To do this you will need to...
• Keep learning.  We never stop growing as people.  If you allow yourself to stop, you stagnate.  Keep yourself occupied and trying new things and never be afraid to say "I don't understand". To do this you will need to...
• Stay positive.  Optimism is one of the most powerful pieces of psychological armour you can possess.  You will experience setbacks, downs and lows.  But remember that is all they are and it is within your power to change things.  So much of life is based on how we interpret it.  Choose to interpret it positively and this will help to...
• Ensure your life has meaning.  Look to involve yourself in something bigger than your own small world.  We are tiny specks in the sea of human experience, but enough of those specks together can move worlds and change lives.

I hope by now you have realised how important I believe attitude and the things that we choose to do are in helping us to live happy lives.  What I cannot do in this letter is tell you all the ways you can do this. If I am honest, I hope you don't need this letter as I plan on being around long enough to teach you these lessons myself, but you never know do you?  And at least if it is here, I know something will be passed on to you.  Something that I continue to need to remind myself is to treasure the good times.  This can be difficult when you are tired, and stressed, and in need of space - but it is those times when it matters the most.  If you find yourself slipping, stop.  Look around.  There are some many beautiful sights to behold if we just take the time to look.

I would like to leave you some lifework.  Start to write down the things that make you feel grateful, proud or happy.  Don't be afraid to think big (I live in a safe democracy) or small (I had an awesome meal today!), but do think and do record them.  This act alone will go a long way to keeping you happy.

I hope you come to enjoy, understand and appreciate this gift.  But, more than that, I hope that with or without this letter you lead a happy and fulfilled life my son.

With all my love, my precious boy

Dad

One small step for Henry

Henry is now upwardly mobile!  And my word the transition from a few faltering steps to crossing the room to fall into the arms of a parent happens quickly.  It has amazed me how quickly this skill gathers momentum.  And with it, it is time for another attack of parental paranoia:

Pack away the ornaments! (we haven't)
Rubberise sharp corners! (errr...haven't done that either)
Get everything off the floor! (ummm...nope)
Protect the eyeline!  (oh dear, this is beginning to get embarrassing)

Friends have warned us that walking changes things.  But friends also warned us that crawling changed things.  And I am sure talking will change things.  As with all of parenting, in my opinion, the most important thing you can do is listen and then apply what makes sense to you.  All people have ideas about how things should be done, and some of those ideas are great.  However, you know you and your child better than they do, so not all the ideas will work.  The trick is to sieve out the ones that will and use them.  The joys of each stage of development have always outweighed the challenges.  I am sure the same will be true of walking.  Already one of my deepest pleasures in life is his hand reaching for a finger to clasp as he explores his world.

I will be honest, we have always had a fairly laissez-faire attitude to parenting Henry.  He has been allowed a fair amount of independent exploration which has brought him into contact with a fair amount of non-toys.  In fact, until recently, he had very few toys and was generally entertained by a box of cardboard tubes, empty bottles and the odd pan and utensil.  What has become really noticeable for me is the joy he experiences in the simple things of life.  There is nothing like a baby (do I need to stop calling him a baby now?  Is he officially a toddler?  I appear to have lost that chapter from my baby manual) to remind you of what is important.  Happiness is a bird in the sky, a ball, a game of chase between mummy and daddy, a bath, bubbles, drinking from a cup, holding a hand, singing a song and walking around the garden.

It is not doing the dishes, putting away clothes, tidying up.  I very often get caught up in things that I perceive as needing to be done and forget that they will wait but my baby boy is disappearing while I am not looking.  With all things there is a balance to be struck, but Emily and Henry are helping to pull me back from missing out on him.

Now I need some rest as in the morning there will be birds to scream at and pots to bang.

Tantrum?

In the past I have considered when does a child become a child - i.e. when do they move from simply a mass of cells into something with a consciousness?  I did not provide an answer, I am not sure there is one to be honest.

However, is there one for when a behavioural reaction becomes a tantrum?!  Friends of ours have ascribed their four week old screaming and kicking to a tantrum.  Emily and I do not think that's right.  One of the things that we have learnt since having Henry is that:

1)  You change your mind about everything you thought you would hold dear.
2)  Everybody, and I do mean everybody, has an opinion.  Be they friends, neighbours, passers-by, everybody think they know how it should be done.
3)  When you watch other people you think "ooo...I wouldn't have done that..."  In this, though see point 2 above!

But when does a tantrum become one?  We had a long chat about what the difference between a tantrum and a baby screaming was...we found it difficult to draw the line.  The issue is that they are both behavioural expressions of when something is wrong.  What we think the crux of the matter is, is the ability to access other strategies, such as talking about it, that are not available to a baby.  But it is far from decided in our household.

It ain't always easy

Firstly, let me direct your attention to the Wonderland film that appeared on BBC recently.  It follows three dads (and bumps into another couple along the way) through the last few weeks of pregnancy and first few weeks of their new child's life.  Watch it here.  It is beautiful and moving.

Watching things like this, reflecting on the impending reality of our baby's arrival, always makes me miss my dad.  One of the most touching scenes in Wonderland is when James, who is pressuring himself into knowing everything and terryifying himself in the process, talks to his dad about how he knew what to do.  Obviously his dad didn't have books and films, he relied upon instincts and common sense.  There is a hole in my life as I can no longer have those conversations.  I feel so incredibly lucky that my dad showed me such a fine example of being a father, he was caring, attentive and proud of his family.  He was prepared to discuss emotions and was sensitive and supportive.  I just wish he was around to help me take those first steps.  I am also lucky that my father-in-law is a fine and caring man, so I do still have somebody I can talk to; he just isn't my dad.

And the other thing that I have not been prepared for is the strain it places on your pre-birth relationship.  Becoming a parent, let alone being one, is incredibly hard.  Massively difficult.  It is difficult to understand the changes being wrought in my wife's body, the tiredness, the hormonal chaos, plus her own nerves.  I honestly don't know how women do it, they have my utmost respect.  My wife has been incredible, and I probably don't tell her enough how much I admire her.  Yet two increasingly tired adults facing their own worries and trying not to burden the other can make it difficult to be close.  I'm not saying we are failing at it, but it has been surprisingly hard work and I don't think either of us expected it.

This feels like a dark post today.  It isn't, it's just that I have found myself reflecting on the difficulties and the harder emotional side of being a father.  It isn't always easy, but we are both still very excited by the prospect of being parents and welcoming our new child into the world.  I do not think anything can fully prepare you for what it means.  All the people in the world can tell you about the tiredness and the effort required, but until you live with it you don't understand it.  I know we haven't got our baby in our arms yet, so it is bound to get harder still, but the challenges do not simply begin when the baby has arrived.  I understand James's concern about 'getting it right' but I think Viktor had it right.  That kind of thinking starts you on a path that is ultimately futile and will make it worse for you.  You can never have all the information, and most of the information is simply that - information.  Babies don't come with user guides, nor should they.  All you can do is your best.  And I hope my best will be good enough, for my wife and baby.

Time to give my wife (who is my best friend, soulmate and has offered tireless support during the recent months despite everything that she is also going through) and bump a cuddle.

A pram, a pram, my kingdom for a pram

Finally, and with much stress and soul-searching, my wife listened to reason and went for the pram I said I liked months ago. 

We passed the 28 week mark yesterday and this has come with a large amount of panic for me - nursery not ready, no cot yet and no pram.  So 12 weeks before Junior's arrival time is planned for there was nothing to arrive to.  A second day it was then of vehicular experimentation and a brave quest through the baby shops.  Once more into the breach...

Buying a pram, gentlemen, is a nightmare.  And no single pram offers all the features or, more importantly, eliminates all of the irritants.  There are an absolute wealth of options and ask three different people and they will give you three different priorities that your pram simply must have.  Carrycot?  Check.  Parent-facing chair?  Check.  Car seat that fits to frame?  Check.  Folds down conveniently?  Nope.  Light?  Nope.  Everything is a compromise.  The models that were light, were flimsy, the ones that folded down well had fiddly clips, or rubbish carrycots.  Picking a pram is a continuous compromise - I challenge anybody to pick one that they are universally happy with.

And this week I was faced with another new (to me) phenomenon.  The 'everybody-tells-you-you-need-that-but-you-don't-however-X-is-essential' advice.  Everybody that has a baby, and even some that haven't, has an opinion on what is necessary and what is not.  And all the advice is well-meaning and gratefully received but so much of it is conflicting that for the first-time parent it can be somewhat bewildering.

I worry that people these days bury their instincts underneath advice, rhetoric and literature.  I recognise the security blanket that this offers and I will admit to wanting to read some books to help me out (Martin Seligman's Optimistic Child is top of my list), but I do believe I need to allow myself the chance to learn with my baby.  None of these books know my child; it is a journey that nobody can fully prepare me for and one that my wife and I will travel with the kiddie bean when it arrives.  There will be wrong turnings, dead ends and the occasional bump but for thousands of years parents and children have reached the destination of independent adulthood and I see no reason why we should be any different.

Brave words now.  Come back and ask me how I feel two weeks after birth day!