Tantrums and tears

Picture the scene.

A father is carrying a screaming child who he has wrapped up in front of him from one end of the gardens to the car park.  The child is crying out that the father is hurting him; it appears to be a firm but non-restrictive hold.

Some passers-by wince.

"That would never be our child" thinks a father.  "Ah...wait.  This is my child.  I am that parent.  Bugger."

I thought we had some tantrums during the terrible twos and I entered Henry's threes with a certain air of smugness.

"Yeah, he's had some tantrums, but nothing too bad."

Smug sod.  I hate past-me.

Henry has very clearly been demonstrating that we are not in control and we are nothing like as good at this parenting thing as we thought we were.  He has demonstrated some real barnstormers in the last two months.  On two occasions I have worried that the incident might end in pea soup.

And here is the really difficult part to accept as a parent.  No matter how patient you might be, how good your distractions might be, how much you ignore and how focussed you are on the good - three year olds get tired.  And they cannot be controlled.

Nobody can be controlled, except yourself.  You can attempt to create conditions that give the illusion of control, but really all you are hoping and praying for is that the child makes the choice you want to.  And in this period of development, sometimes, he or she just thinks:

"To hell with what you want.  I am an individual!  A small, tired, incredibly vocal individual!  Hear my roar!"

And all that is left for you as a parent is to weather the storm and pick up the sobbing pieces afterwards.  Because once the storm has blown itself out you are left with a very vulnerable, upset little boy that doesn't really understand what just happened and needs reassurance that everything is ok in the world.  It would be so easy to get caught in a vicious cycle where each other's frustration feeds and adds to the other's.  The trick to parenting is securing their world and putting aside, for the moment, everything that was triggered in you - the lack of control, the frustration, the guilt and, I will admit it, the anger, and get back to being what your little boy needs you to be.

It is so very difficult, but so very important.  Acknowledging we are human is not something we do often enough as parents.  Emily and I are very lucky to have each other, close family and friends with children of a similar age that we can share stories with, offload and seek advice without fear of judgement.  I dread to think what it would be like without them and I appreciate them every day.

Me and fatherhood

I think my last post started with a lament about how long it has been since I posted, and this one (over a year later) can only begin in the same manner.

The problem I have found recently is how easy it is to let life just carry you through as a passenger without any sense of steering.  The loss of my father nearly four years ago has played heavily on my mind in this intervening time and I realised around six months ago that it had begun to affect my relationship with Henry.  You could use the label depression; a GP has with me and I am now seeing a counsellor.  I am not particularly interested in labels, more trying to understand why certain choices are made and how these seem relevant or appropriate.

I hold a firm belief that children are the product of their parents, and while nature plays a role nurture is considerably more powerful.  If a child is causing problems, I would argue, you need to check for whom the behaviour is a problem, why the behaviour is occurring and what in their environment is causing it.  As a result, when Henry started to behave in a way that was a problem for me I realised I could not blame him; I had to look closely at myself.

This coincided for me, fortunately, with a course on mindfulness.  I would heartily recommend this approach.  It has not changed me dramatically, but it has made enough change to help me correct my course and get back to parenting Henry in a manner that I believe is more positive and healthy.

It is so easy to place blame elsewhere, to talk about how others affect you and the reason for bad outcomes is not within your control.  I am currently on a journey that is teaching me that I am responsible for what happens in those around me, and this includes Henry.  My parenting problems are not 'solved' (will they ever be?) by any stretch of the imagination.  A recent camping trip and a reluctant sleeper tested my resolve greatly!  But I am certainly feeling more in control.  And when things go badly, or well, I know again where to look.

This has been a bit of an introspective post, one that focuses more on me than Henry, but I will not apologise for that.  A significant part of me and fatherhood is, indeed, me.  And I believe it is important to remember that both in a critically reflective way, how am I affecting the situation around me, and with mindfulness and kindness, forgiving myself when I get it wrong.

One small step for Henry

Henry is now upwardly mobile!  And my word the transition from a few faltering steps to crossing the room to fall into the arms of a parent happens quickly.  It has amazed me how quickly this skill gathers momentum.  And with it, it is time for another attack of parental paranoia:

Pack away the ornaments! (we haven't)
Rubberise sharp corners! (errr...haven't done that either)
Get everything off the floor! (ummm...nope)
Protect the eyeline!  (oh dear, this is beginning to get embarrassing)

Friends have warned us that walking changes things.  But friends also warned us that crawling changed things.  And I am sure talking will change things.  As with all of parenting, in my opinion, the most important thing you can do is listen and then apply what makes sense to you.  All people have ideas about how things should be done, and some of those ideas are great.  However, you know you and your child better than they do, so not all the ideas will work.  The trick is to sieve out the ones that will and use them.  The joys of each stage of development have always outweighed the challenges.  I am sure the same will be true of walking.  Already one of my deepest pleasures in life is his hand reaching for a finger to clasp as he explores his world.

I will be honest, we have always had a fairly laissez-faire attitude to parenting Henry.  He has been allowed a fair amount of independent exploration which has brought him into contact with a fair amount of non-toys.  In fact, until recently, he had very few toys and was generally entertained by a box of cardboard tubes, empty bottles and the odd pan and utensil.  What has become really noticeable for me is the joy he experiences in the simple things of life.  There is nothing like a baby (do I need to stop calling him a baby now?  Is he officially a toddler?  I appear to have lost that chapter from my baby manual) to remind you of what is important.  Happiness is a bird in the sky, a ball, a game of chase between mummy and daddy, a bath, bubbles, drinking from a cup, holding a hand, singing a song and walking around the garden.

It is not doing the dishes, putting away clothes, tidying up.  I very often get caught up in things that I perceive as needing to be done and forget that they will wait but my baby boy is disappearing while I am not looking.  With all things there is a balance to be struck, but Emily and Henry are helping to pull me back from missing out on him.

Now I need some rest as in the morning there will be birds to scream at and pots to bang.