I have discovered that there are three main emotions now that I am a father, and all three are experienced quite intensely.
Firstly, there is love. I am addicted to my son. I want to kiss him, hold him, stroke him and generally be near him all the time. He amazes me.
Secondly, there is excitement. We are a family, our future is both wonderful and mysterious, which makes it exciting. There is so much to look forward to, and even more to appreciate now. Life with Henry is filled with love and excitement.
However, as I lie here awake at gone midnight, listening to the coughs, wheezes, splutters and movements of my 15 days old son it strikes me that fear also makes up a rather large component of my emotional state. I currently cannot sleep because each splutter terrifies me that he is choking. Perhaps he has thrown up and cannot clear his airwaves. So I lie, waiting for the next noisy breath. Which doesn't come. I tell my wife to stop breathing so I can listen for his. And just as I am on the verge of leaping across the room to his crib, he coughs and I let out a sigh of relief.
The strange thing is I am usually a rational and logical person. I am fully aware that I am biologically programmed to care for his welfare, whilst he is biologically programmed to carry on breathing. Yet this does not stop that yawning pit in my stomach when something happens. And so many things happen! His joints crack, I accidentally touch the soft bit on his head, he splutters in his sleep, he jerks and his head goes further than I expect, he throws up lying back.
I once joked to my wife that all we had to do was keep him alive, anything else was a bonus. It would appear that my brain has taken this seriously and now will not let me rest. I have been reliably informed that this never goes away.
This love - how exciting...
Friday, 27 April 2012
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Welcome to the world Henry Michael!
And the deed is done - on the 11th April at 8:30am, Henry Michael entered the world. So what have I learnt?
Firstly - I love my son more than I thought possible. The emotional impact this little man has had on me is incredible. There was so much I did not understand when people talked about their children. Things such as you can spend just hours watching them, they grow up so quick, and so on. Now I know. I love kissing him, holding him, watching him, talking to him. I am already worried about him growing up and me not getting those utterly dependent cuddles. The birth of a child changes you in ways you cannot imagine, or prepare for. My son is awesome; he inspires awe.
Secondly - childbirth is a painful experience for mothers. Now I know it obviously is, but again, I had no idea how much pain, and what was actually involved. My wife was amazing - Henry came with the help of some forceps, which has resulted in some hefty consequences for Emily, but nothing could have prepared me for the experience. She soldiered; I was in pieces. I have nothing but admiration for her, and my son is lucky to have her.
Thirdly - nothing can prepare a father for the utter helplessness felt whilst observing the mother's role. During childbirth and beyond. Breastfeeding appears to be quite difficult to get off the ground, and mothers are attempting to learn at a point in their life when hormones are raging, exhaustion is present, and pain is constant. And apart from make tea, stroke hair, bring food and hold hands there is nothing you can do to ease your partner's lot. It is horrible and it makes you want to scream and shout and throw things. Don't. It won't help. But having some ideas for things that you can do when the frustration does boil over is key.
Fourthly - do not pretend, and do not allow your partner to pretend, that you should know it all. As an example, this morning Henry was refusing his first feed. He should have been hungry, my wife started to panic (we'd had a scary midwife visit, more on that particular topic in another post). My mother-in-law has been staying with us whilst Emily gets feeding established and was quickly called to the scene. The reason? His nappy was fit to bursting with his first poo! Neither of us had thought to check and we're both childcare professionals. Tomorrow we will remember. Just as Henry is learning new things everyday, so are we as parents. It is ok to make mistakes and perfection is impossible.
And finally, from my viewpoint as a new father - nothing we go through as fathers compares to mothers during this period. Later on you will become a much more equal partner - at this stage I see my role as doing everything I can to make her life easier so that she can make Henry's life easier. I am currently trying to find ways to look after myself. I will not pretend, that whilst this is difficult for new mothers, it is also emotional and difficult for new fathers. It makes me miss my own father, as it is him I would have turned to talk about this time in my life. My advice would be do not allow yourself to become isolated and pretend that you can cope with it all. But try not to add to your partner's burdens, certainly not in the first couple of weeks.
So that is some of what I have learned - what about Henry?
He is currently learning how to breastfeed (this is a skill, and although there is an instinctual urge, Henry does not appear to have read the manual). He is improving, bless him, but he does need to relearn frequently something we thought he had weighed off just hours before.
His body is also learning how to expel stuff it does not want. Today saw his first proper poo. And his second. And a bit of vomiting. It's lovely, but messy.
The world is an interesting place, but parents are particularly so. Henry appears to be delighted to be carried around the house listening to a running commentary provided by daddy. He loves the sound of voices.
I will try to get back here a bit more often now - I will share what I learn as I go, as well as some of the personal stuff that happens. But right now Henry is crying and daddy wants to cuddle him.
Firstly - I love my son more than I thought possible. The emotional impact this little man has had on me is incredible. There was so much I did not understand when people talked about their children. Things such as you can spend just hours watching them, they grow up so quick, and so on. Now I know. I love kissing him, holding him, watching him, talking to him. I am already worried about him growing up and me not getting those utterly dependent cuddles. The birth of a child changes you in ways you cannot imagine, or prepare for. My son is awesome; he inspires awe.
Secondly - childbirth is a painful experience for mothers. Now I know it obviously is, but again, I had no idea how much pain, and what was actually involved. My wife was amazing - Henry came with the help of some forceps, which has resulted in some hefty consequences for Emily, but nothing could have prepared me for the experience. She soldiered; I was in pieces. I have nothing but admiration for her, and my son is lucky to have her.
Thirdly - nothing can prepare a father for the utter helplessness felt whilst observing the mother's role. During childbirth and beyond. Breastfeeding appears to be quite difficult to get off the ground, and mothers are attempting to learn at a point in their life when hormones are raging, exhaustion is present, and pain is constant. And apart from make tea, stroke hair, bring food and hold hands there is nothing you can do to ease your partner's lot. It is horrible and it makes you want to scream and shout and throw things. Don't. It won't help. But having some ideas for things that you can do when the frustration does boil over is key.
Fourthly - do not pretend, and do not allow your partner to pretend, that you should know it all. As an example, this morning Henry was refusing his first feed. He should have been hungry, my wife started to panic (we'd had a scary midwife visit, more on that particular topic in another post). My mother-in-law has been staying with us whilst Emily gets feeding established and was quickly called to the scene. The reason? His nappy was fit to bursting with his first poo! Neither of us had thought to check and we're both childcare professionals. Tomorrow we will remember. Just as Henry is learning new things everyday, so are we as parents. It is ok to make mistakes and perfection is impossible.
And finally, from my viewpoint as a new father - nothing we go through as fathers compares to mothers during this period. Later on you will become a much more equal partner - at this stage I see my role as doing everything I can to make her life easier so that she can make Henry's life easier. I am currently trying to find ways to look after myself. I will not pretend, that whilst this is difficult for new mothers, it is also emotional and difficult for new fathers. It makes me miss my own father, as it is him I would have turned to talk about this time in my life. My advice would be do not allow yourself to become isolated and pretend that you can cope with it all. But try not to add to your partner's burdens, certainly not in the first couple of weeks.
So that is some of what I have learned - what about Henry?
He is currently learning how to breastfeed (this is a skill, and although there is an instinctual urge, Henry does not appear to have read the manual). He is improving, bless him, but he does need to relearn frequently something we thought he had weighed off just hours before.
His body is also learning how to expel stuff it does not want. Today saw his first proper poo. And his second. And a bit of vomiting. It's lovely, but messy.
The world is an interesting place, but parents are particularly so. Henry appears to be delighted to be carried around the house listening to a running commentary provided by daddy. He loves the sound of voices.
I will try to get back here a bit more often now - I will share what I learn as I go, as well as some of the personal stuff that happens. But right now Henry is crying and daddy wants to cuddle him.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Sweet wheels dude!
And here's junior's ride. We could buy a car for what this cost grandmother Sullivan!
Been a while
Dear Junior,
It's been a while since I've written to you and I thought it about time, after all a lot has changed.
Where to begin? Firstly, you'll be happy to know that mummy and I finally started your room. Well, I say mummy and I. I was in there for about 20 minutes and mummy for 30. The truth is that mummy's mummy and daddy have started your room. It doesn't look up to much at the moment, but by the time it's finished it will be the nicest, snuggest room in the house.
We have also finally ordered your furniture, so there will be somewhere for you to sleep and keep clothes! And mummy and daddy finally picked a pram. You will probably never understand how stressful it was, and how grateful we are to my mummy for buying it for you.
Mummy's beginning to get quite achy and tired now - you're in the process of growing quite quickly and we can feel you moving and kicking as your current home gets smaller and smaller. Don't worry though, in no time you'll be out and safely in our arms where we can watch you grow! We're both a little bit worried but very excited about meeting you, as are your grandparents and uncles.
I've got to go now because mummy has brushed her teeth and you need oiling and her feet need rubbing - daddy has some very important jobs.
I promise I'll try to write again, but who knows you may surprise us and arrive before I get chance!
Sleep well, dream sweet dreams.
All my love
Dad
It's been a while since I've written to you and I thought it about time, after all a lot has changed.
Where to begin? Firstly, you'll be happy to know that mummy and I finally started your room. Well, I say mummy and I. I was in there for about 20 minutes and mummy for 30. The truth is that mummy's mummy and daddy have started your room. It doesn't look up to much at the moment, but by the time it's finished it will be the nicest, snuggest room in the house.
We have also finally ordered your furniture, so there will be somewhere for you to sleep and keep clothes! And mummy and daddy finally picked a pram. You will probably never understand how stressful it was, and how grateful we are to my mummy for buying it for you.
Mummy's beginning to get quite achy and tired now - you're in the process of growing quite quickly and we can feel you moving and kicking as your current home gets smaller and smaller. Don't worry though, in no time you'll be out and safely in our arms where we can watch you grow! We're both a little bit worried but very excited about meeting you, as are your grandparents and uncles.
I've got to go now because mummy has brushed her teeth and you need oiling and her feet need rubbing - daddy has some very important jobs.
I promise I'll try to write again, but who knows you may surprise us and arrive before I get chance!
Sleep well, dream sweet dreams.
All my love
Dad
Saturday, 18 February 2012
It ain't always easy
Firstly, let me direct your attention to the Wonderland film that appeared on BBC recently. It follows three dads (and bumps into another couple along the way) through the last few weeks of pregnancy and first few weeks of their new child's life. Watch it here. It is beautiful and moving.
Watching things like this, reflecting on the impending reality of our baby's arrival, always makes me miss my dad. One of the most touching scenes in Wonderland is when James, who is pressuring himself into knowing everything and terryifying himself in the process, talks to his dad about how he knew what to do. Obviously his dad didn't have books and films, he relied upon instincts and common sense. There is a hole in my life as I can no longer have those conversations. I feel so incredibly lucky that my dad showed me such a fine example of being a father, he was caring, attentive and proud of his family. He was prepared to discuss emotions and was sensitive and supportive. I just wish he was around to help me take those first steps. I am also lucky that my father-in-law is a fine and caring man, so I do still have somebody I can talk to; he just isn't my dad.
And the other thing that I have not been prepared for is the strain it places on your pre-birth relationship. Becoming a parent, let alone being one, is incredibly hard. Massively difficult. It is difficult to understand the changes being wrought in my wife's body, the tiredness, the hormonal chaos, plus her own nerves. I honestly don't know how women do it, they have my utmost respect. My wife has been incredible, and I probably don't tell her enough how much I admire her. Yet two increasingly tired adults facing their own worries and trying not to burden the other can make it difficult to be close. I'm not saying we are failing at it, but it has been surprisingly hard work and I don't think either of us expected it.
This feels like a dark post today. It isn't, it's just that I have found myself reflecting on the difficulties and the harder emotional side of being a father. It isn't always easy, but we are both still very excited by the prospect of being parents and welcoming our new child into the world. I do not think anything can fully prepare you for what it means. All the people in the world can tell you about the tiredness and the effort required, but until you live with it you don't understand it. I know we haven't got our baby in our arms yet, so it is bound to get harder still, but the challenges do not simply begin when the baby has arrived. I understand James's concern about 'getting it right' but I think Viktor had it right. That kind of thinking starts you on a path that is ultimately futile and will make it worse for you. You can never have all the information, and most of the information is simply that - information. Babies don't come with user guides, nor should they. All you can do is your best. And I hope my best will be good enough, for my wife and baby.
Time to give my wife (who is my best friend, soulmate and has offered tireless support during the recent months despite everything that she is also going through) and bump a cuddle.
Watching things like this, reflecting on the impending reality of our baby's arrival, always makes me miss my dad. One of the most touching scenes in Wonderland is when James, who is pressuring himself into knowing everything and terryifying himself in the process, talks to his dad about how he knew what to do. Obviously his dad didn't have books and films, he relied upon instincts and common sense. There is a hole in my life as I can no longer have those conversations. I feel so incredibly lucky that my dad showed me such a fine example of being a father, he was caring, attentive and proud of his family. He was prepared to discuss emotions and was sensitive and supportive. I just wish he was around to help me take those first steps. I am also lucky that my father-in-law is a fine and caring man, so I do still have somebody I can talk to; he just isn't my dad.
And the other thing that I have not been prepared for is the strain it places on your pre-birth relationship. Becoming a parent, let alone being one, is incredibly hard. Massively difficult. It is difficult to understand the changes being wrought in my wife's body, the tiredness, the hormonal chaos, plus her own nerves. I honestly don't know how women do it, they have my utmost respect. My wife has been incredible, and I probably don't tell her enough how much I admire her. Yet two increasingly tired adults facing their own worries and trying not to burden the other can make it difficult to be close. I'm not saying we are failing at it, but it has been surprisingly hard work and I don't think either of us expected it.
This feels like a dark post today. It isn't, it's just that I have found myself reflecting on the difficulties and the harder emotional side of being a father. It isn't always easy, but we are both still very excited by the prospect of being parents and welcoming our new child into the world. I do not think anything can fully prepare you for what it means. All the people in the world can tell you about the tiredness and the effort required, but until you live with it you don't understand it. I know we haven't got our baby in our arms yet, so it is bound to get harder still, but the challenges do not simply begin when the baby has arrived. I understand James's concern about 'getting it right' but I think Viktor had it right. That kind of thinking starts you on a path that is ultimately futile and will make it worse for you. You can never have all the information, and most of the information is simply that - information. Babies don't come with user guides, nor should they. All you can do is your best. And I hope my best will be good enough, for my wife and baby.
Time to give my wife (who is my best friend, soulmate and has offered tireless support during the recent months despite everything that she is also going through) and bump a cuddle.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
A pram, a pram, my kingdom for a pram
Finally, and with much stress and soul-searching, my wife listened to reason and went for the pram I said I liked months ago.
We passed the 28 week mark yesterday and this has come with a large amount of panic for me - nursery not ready, no cot yet and no pram. So 12 weeks before Junior's arrival time is planned for there was nothing to arrive to. A second day it was then of vehicular experimentation and a brave quest through the baby shops. Once more into the breach...
Buying a pram, gentlemen, is a nightmare. And no single pram offers all the features or, more importantly, eliminates all of the irritants. There are an absolute wealth of options and ask three different people and they will give you three different priorities that your pram simply must have. Carrycot? Check. Parent-facing chair? Check. Car seat that fits to frame? Check. Folds down conveniently? Nope. Light? Nope. Everything is a compromise. The models that were light, were flimsy, the ones that folded down well had fiddly clips, or rubbish carrycots. Picking a pram is a continuous compromise - I challenge anybody to pick one that they are universally happy with.
And this week I was faced with another new (to me) phenomenon. The 'everybody-tells-you-you-need-that-but-you-don't-however-X-is-essential' advice. Everybody that has a baby, and even some that haven't, has an opinion on what is necessary and what is not. And all the advice is well-meaning and gratefully received but so much of it is conflicting that for the first-time parent it can be somewhat bewildering.
I worry that people these days bury their instincts underneath advice, rhetoric and literature. I recognise the security blanket that this offers and I will admit to wanting to read some books to help me out (Martin Seligman's Optimistic Child is top of my list), but I do believe I need to allow myself the chance to learn with my baby. None of these books know my child; it is a journey that nobody can fully prepare me for and one that my wife and I will travel with the kiddie bean when it arrives. There will be wrong turnings, dead ends and the occasional bump but for thousands of years parents and children have reached the destination of independent adulthood and I see no reason why we should be any different.
Brave words now. Come back and ask me how I feel two weeks after birth day!
We passed the 28 week mark yesterday and this has come with a large amount of panic for me - nursery not ready, no cot yet and no pram. So 12 weeks before Junior's arrival time is planned for there was nothing to arrive to. A second day it was then of vehicular experimentation and a brave quest through the baby shops. Once more into the breach...
Buying a pram, gentlemen, is a nightmare. And no single pram offers all the features or, more importantly, eliminates all of the irritants. There are an absolute wealth of options and ask three different people and they will give you three different priorities that your pram simply must have. Carrycot? Check. Parent-facing chair? Check. Car seat that fits to frame? Check. Folds down conveniently? Nope. Light? Nope. Everything is a compromise. The models that were light, were flimsy, the ones that folded down well had fiddly clips, or rubbish carrycots. Picking a pram is a continuous compromise - I challenge anybody to pick one that they are universally happy with.
And this week I was faced with another new (to me) phenomenon. The 'everybody-tells-you-you-need-that-but-you-don't-however-X-is-essential' advice. Everybody that has a baby, and even some that haven't, has an opinion on what is necessary and what is not. And all the advice is well-meaning and gratefully received but so much of it is conflicting that for the first-time parent it can be somewhat bewildering.
I worry that people these days bury their instincts underneath advice, rhetoric and literature. I recognise the security blanket that this offers and I will admit to wanting to read some books to help me out (Martin Seligman's Optimistic Child is top of my list), but I do believe I need to allow myself the chance to learn with my baby. None of these books know my child; it is a journey that nobody can fully prepare me for and one that my wife and I will travel with the kiddie bean when it arrives. There will be wrong turnings, dead ends and the occasional bump but for thousands of years parents and children have reached the destination of independent adulthood and I see no reason why we should be any different.
Brave words now. Come back and ask me how I feel two weeks after birth day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)